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Success Maxims and Good Suggestions
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Relating To The Development Of A Good Character And The Achievement Of Good Success – Nuggets From Short Talks To The Students On Friday Evenings.
“Precept upon precept, line upon line, here a little and there a little.” Proverbs.
Unstable as water thou shalt not excel. Jacob.
Be gentle in manner, firm in principle, always conciliatory.
Go forward; and if difficulties increase, go forward more earnestly.
In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity. Augustine.
Find a way or make one, is excellent; but sometimes it needs to read, Find employment or make it.
Whatever cannot be avoided must be endured. Endure hard things bravely.
Patience and Perseverance will perform great wonders.
Early to bed and early to rise will make a man healthy, wealthy and wise. Ben Franklin.
Whoever wins man’s highest stature here below must grow, and never cease to grow-for when growth ceases, death begins. Alice Carey.
“There is so much bad in the best of us,
And so much good in the worst of us;
It is hardly fair for any of us,
To speak ill of the rest of us.”
If thou wouldst know the secret of a happy life, rise in the morn, with armor clasped about thee, for the day’s long strife. “Thy duty do.”
The very angels then will stoop, when the night brings rest, to cradle thee in heavenly arms because thou didst thy best. Jennings.
Bear and forbear are two good bears to have in every home, in order to keep peace in the family. Grin and bear it, is another good one. Impatience, scolding and fault-finding are three black bears, that make every one feel badly and look ugly. Don’t harbor them.
Bible Precepts. Faithful is the Bible word for success.
He that is faithful, is faithful in that which is least.
Owe no man anything. Render to all their dues.
Be not wise in your own conceits.
A wise son maketh a glad father; but a foolish son is the heaviness of his mother.
Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you.
Wisdom is the principal thing, therefore get wisdom. Her ways are ways of pleasantness and all her paths are peace.
Honor the Lord with thy substance and with the first-fruits of all thine increase; so shall thy barns be filled with plenty.
So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom. Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish thou the work of our hands. Moses.
The hand of the diligent maketh rich. The hand of the diligent shall bear rule.
Be not slothful in business. A man diligent in his business shall stand before kings; he shall not stand before mean men.
Anger resteth in the bosom of fools. Make no friendship with an angry man, lest thou learn his ways: Let not the sun go down upon thy wrath. Be patient; and not a brawler or striker.
Spiritual Power. Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.
Abraham believed God and was promptly obedient to His divine call. “The Lord made Abraham rich” and the “Father of the Faithful.”
“The Lord was with Joseph,” the innocent slave in prison. He led him from the prison to a throne and made him a successful ruler in Egypt.
Daniel the youthful, God-fearing captive at Babylon, “sought the Lord by prayer, supplication and fasting.” “The Lord prospered him,” gave him favor with princes and made him the greatest statesman of his age.
Job was a “perfect and upright man, one that feared God.” Satan said of him, “Doth Job fear God for nought?” Satan then deprived him of his family, property and health. Job still maintained his integrity, saying, “The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away.”
The Lord then gave Job twice as much as he had before; so that the latter end of Job was more blessed than his beginning.
When the Lord said to Moses, “Come now, I will send thee unto Pharaoh, that thou mayest bring forth my people out of Egypt;” he hesitated, saying, “Who am I?” “They will not believe me;” and “I am not eloquent.” But when he obeyed the call and went, the Lord went with him, the people believed, the army of Pharaoh was overthrown; and Moses became the first emancipator, a great leader of men and the greatest lawgiver in the history of the world.
Oak Hill Be’s
Be Honorable. Never do that which will cause you afterwards to feel ashamed.
Be Honest. Never deceive or take that which belongs to another.
Be True. Stand firmly for the truth and be faithful, though you stand or work alone.
Be Pure. Shun the impure and abhor whatever will corrupt good morals.
Be Polite. Help the weak and never by word or act offend another.
Be Prompt. If you have done badly, hasten with your apology before you are called to account.
Be Thoughtful. Learn how to exercise that forethought that anticipates every future need at the beginning of an undertaking.
Self Control. Self control means self discipline. Self discipline means that I must be willing to:
Be, what I know I ought to be;
Say, what I know I ought to say;
Do, what I know I ought to do;
Go, where I know I ought to go;
Do, with my might what my hands find to do; and be firmly decided, not to do anything I know I ought not to do. It is the ability to control one’s thoughts and energies by rule, so as to act prudently, and never impulsively or impatiently.
All make mistakes, some more than others. “To err is human.” He succeeds best who makes the fewest mistakes; and most quickly corrects them, when discovered.
“I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true.
I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live up to what light I have.
I must stand with anybody who stands right; stand with him while he is right, and part with him when he goes wrong.” Lincoln.
Freedom. True freedom is the freedom to do right, and for it good men contend. The liberty to do what one may wish to do, is not freedom, for that may be wrong.
Tact. Tact is the ability to please rather than offend, by saying or doing the right thing in a pleasant way at the right time, ignoring petty slights and insults and leading disagreeable people to become your friends.
Blessed is the teacher who expects much from his pupils, he is thereby likely to receive it; that has common sense in framing regulations, and backbone to enforce them; whose vocabulary contains more “do’s” than “don’ts.” Lucy A. Baker.
The little birds, like the busy bees, are cheery and valuable helpers. Encourage their presence and aid, by planting trees for their songs and building little houses for their young.
The domestic animals are our servants and profit-makers, or mortgage lifters. Always treat them kindly. Never permit anyone to strike, or stone them. Even the pig of your neighbor, when he becomes a mischievous intruder in your field, if you give him a friendly chase, will conduct you to a hole in the fence that ought to be closed.
“Kind words can never die,
Cherished and blest;
God knows how deep they lie,
Stored in each breast.”
Character. Character is a word derived from another one that means to impress or engrave. It marks our individuality. It is the result of the principles and habits that have impressed themselves on our nature and the abilities that have been developed.
Solomon calls it a good name, which suggests reputation. It is tested and strengthened by overcoming difficulties. A good character is within the reach of all while greatness is possible only to a few.
“When wealth is lost, nothing is lost;
When health is lost, something is lost;
When character is lost, all is lost.”
Character. “Character is not what we think, feel or know; but what we are. Character is being; and it is infinitely nobler to be than to have, or know, or do. The rank, value and dignity of character cannot be overestimated. The confidence of the whole world on which trade, empires, homes and real happiness are built is confidence in character.
Character is the great end; moral and spiritual education is the greatest means to attain that end.”-Martin.
Character is personal power, the poor boy’s best capital and the success that makes him greater than his occupation. The weak wait for opportunities, but the strong seize them and make even common occasions great.
The world honors success. God honors faithfulness. The world commends worldly achievements, but God rewards character.
Every student should endeavor to build up the community in which he lives commercially, socially and religiously.
Beware of strangers that come to you full of smooth talk and clad in fine clothing. The tree, book, land and other agents sometimes prove helpful. But you will be happier and more prosperous, if you will send for a catalog and get just what you need, and at cost. You will thereby avoid the expensiveness and uncertainty of doing business through a nicely dressed, but irresponsible stranger.
The upright exert a blessed influence long after their departure from the earth. They are remembered in the home, the social circle and the Church.
“That man exists, but never lives,
Who much receives but nothing gives;
But he who marks his busy way,
By generous acts from day to day,
Treads the same path his Savior trod,
The path to glory and to God.”
Education. Everything from a pin to an engine has its cost and someone must pay the price.
In education the material is human and the product is a new and living worker for the world’s work. The material and moral progress of the world has been principally due to the work of educated men and women.
Education has its cost, but the profit of a good Christian education is vastly greater than its cost. It pays to educate young people who are Christians that they may become leaders in thought and action.
“A good education enables one to manifest goodness and not badness. Drawing out all the good qualities of head and heart, it magnifies them and suppresses the bad ones. If this seems hard, it should be remembered that all things of value are obtained only by effort.”
“For every evil under the sun
There’s a remedy, or there’s none,
If there is one, try and find it;
If there is none, never mind it.”
“A clear and legible handwriting is one of the best means of giving a stranger an impression of force of character, self-control and capacity for skilled work. It wins favor by making the reading of it easy and a source of pleasure. It is one of the crowning attainments of a well cultured life.”-Spencer.
“Success follows those who see and know how to take advantage of their opportunity.”
The Lord loves to use “the weak things” and “things that are despised.” He loves to put the treasure of His grace into the feeble, that the world may be compelled to ask, “whence hath this man power?” Rev. J. H. Jowett.
Self education is accomplished by reading good books, with the aid of a dictionary. Get a Bible dictionary for the Bible, and a Webster or Academic dictionary for other books.
Do all things by rule. A good rule tells the right way to do things. If you do not know the rule ask for it. Never violate a known rule. It never pays to do so; the confidence of someone is sure to be forfeited.
Keep Busy. Keep busy and you will keep happy. Read good books when you cannot work. If you call on a friend and he is busy, do not become an idler or make him one. Either help him or read his best books.
Idleness. Idleness is a sin against God. “Six days shalt thou labor and do all thy work.” “In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread.” “If any man will not work, neither let him eat.” It is also a sin against our nature; causing a slow movement, which is a serious disappointment; tardiness, which is like a dead fly in precious ointment; and, that loathsome disease, laziness. Like drunkenness it is an inexcusable shame, that dooms one to poverty and clothes him with rags. Shun idleness as you do the sting of a hornet, or the bite of a rattler.
“We are not here to play, to dream, to drift,
We have our work to do, and loads to lift.
Shun not the struggle; face it. ‘Tis God’s gift.”
“They are slaves who fear to speak,
For the fallen and the weak.
They are slaves who will not choose
Hatred, scoffing and abuse,
Rather than in silence shrink
From the truth they needs must think;
They are slaves, who dare not be
In the right with two or three.” Lowell.
Do your best. Put your best efforts in your work, no matter how simple or difficult the task.
“I am passing through this world but once. I will therefore do my best every day, and do all the good to all the people I can.”
“I do the very best I know how-the very best I can; and I mean to keep doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what is said against me won’t amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference.” Abraham Lincoln.
Efficiency. Efficiency is the ability to perform work in the shortest and quickest way, by omitting every useless movement.
Faith. Faith rests on facts and realities. It is the basis of home and business. “It swings the rainbow across the dark clouds, makes heroes in life’s battles, extracts the poison from Satan’s arrows and links us to God and the good in heaven.”
Let us have faith that right makes might, and in that faith let us to the end dare to do our duty, as we understand it. With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish, the work we are in. Abraham Lincoln at Gettysburg.
Gladness. Gladness is sown for the upright. The joy of the Lord is your strength. Manifest your joy and gladness by wearing the smile of contentment and love. It includes a sparkle in the eye, a little ripple on the cheek and the kind word that “never dies.”
“Smile and the world smiles with you,
Laugh and the world will roar,
Growl and the world will leave you,
And never come back any more.
All of us could not be handsome,
Nor all of us wear good clothes,
But a smile is not expensive,
And covers a world of woes.”
Energy. Energy is power in action. Stagnant water lacks power, but water in action produces steam, the power that moves the world’s machinery and traffic. Knowledge in action means power on the farm, in the home and in the Church.
“God bless the man who sows the wheat,
Produces milk and fruit and meat;
His purse be heavy, his heart be light,
His corn and cattle all go right,
God bless the seed his hand lets fall,
The farmer produces the food for all.”
Knowledge. Knowledge is power, when it is wisely assorted, assimilated and immediately employed; as is the water of a river, when it is used to produce electric power. The knowledge that leads to sovereign power, includes self-knowledge, self-respect and self-control. The man who does well whatsoever he undertakes, cannot be kept down, except by his own indiscretions.
A good character is essential to the soul winner. It is a false notion that one must meet the world on its own level-drink to win a drinker, smoke to win a smoker, and play the world’s games in order to win it to Christ. Richard Hobbs.
Thrift. Thrift consists in increasing the value of our possessions every year, by making good investments of our time and money, and by earning more than is spent for living expenses. “A penny saved is two pence earned.”
Our Father in heaven sends no man into this world without a work, and a capacity to perform that work.
“Live for those that love you,
For those you know are true;
For the cause that lacks assistance,
For the wrong that needs resistance;
For the future in the distance:
And the good that you can do.”
“A fool with a gun or an axe can destroy in five minutes, what it took nature years to perfect and perpetuate.”
A little house well filled,
A little field well tilled,
A good wife well willed, are great riches.
Leaders. Be a leader. A leader does his thinking before hand and endeavors to provide for every need. He must be well informed and know how to arouse interest and stimulate activity. He must discover and adopt only the best methods. The rewards of leadership are a continually increasing power to lead others and the ability to conduct your own life most usefully and happily.
“A good farmer’s tools are under shelter;
But Pete Tumbledown’s lie helter-skelter;
And when he wants his tools again
He finds them rusty from the rain.”
“Divide and conquer,” was Joshua’s rule of strategy in the conquest of Canaan. “Separate for the march, unite for the attack,” was a maxim of Napoleon. Both are good rules for the people in all our Churches, in their constant conflict with vice and iniquity.
The noblest man does not always uphold his rights, but waives them for his own good and the good of others. A keen sense of honor, that condemns dishonorable conduct, is one of the finest results of a good education. Education is expected to do for the mind, what sculpture does to a block of marble.
“A merry farmer’s girl am I,
My songs are gay and blithe;
For in my humble country home
I lead a free, glad life.
Through fertile fields and gardens mine,
I love at will to roam,
And as I wander gayly sing,
This is my own, free home,
My own free home.”
Genius. There is no genius like a love for hard work. Hard work develops strength, increases usefulness, and tends to length of days. Six days shalt thou labor and do all thy work. In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread. Labor conquers all things.
“He lives the best who never does complain,
Whether the passing days be filled with sun or rain.
Who patiently toils on though feet be sore,
Whose home stands by the road with open door;
Who smiles though down he sits to feast or crust,
His faith in man sincere, in God his trust.”
A. F. Caldwell.
Seek employment by the month or year, rather than by the day; and render unswerving loyalty to those of your own home, school and Church; and those who favor you with employment.
A man’s work is the expression of his worth. It should make a man of him, and give him great pleasure and delight. When a man knows his work and does it with the enthusiasm of Nehemiah, it gives him joy and enables him to exert a good influence. “That man is blest who does his best and leaves the rest.”
The world owes no man a living, but every man owes the world an honest effort to make at least his own living.
Save The Boy; Save The Girl!
Save them from bad habits and evil associations. Save them for useful careers, happy homes and a glorious inheritance.
“If a blessing you have known,
‘Twas not given for you alone,
Pass it on.
Let it travel down the years,
Let it dry another’s tears,
Till in heaven the deed appears,
Greatness: Goodness is the basis of that service that leads to greatness. The keynote of that service is found in the words: “The Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister; and to give his life for many.” The cross is the symbol of a service that is faithful, even unto death.
“So live that every thought and deed may hold within itself the seed of future good and future need.”
Undertake great things for God and His glory and expect great things from Him.
“Never trouble trouble
Until trouble troubles you.”
Prudent, hopeful and enthusiastic are those who make the “desert to rejoice and blossom as the rose.”
Habits: A habit is a cable; we spin a thread of it every day, and at last we cannot break it.
Thoughts leave an ineffaceable trace on the brain or memory.
“Sow a thought and you reap an act,
Sow an act and you reap a habit,
Sow a habit and you reap a character,
Sow a character and you reap a destiny.”
A pretty oak tree is a beautiful emblem of the strength, beauty and eminent usefulness of an intelligent and noble man. Train the head, the heart and hand, and thus develop that strength and beauty of character, that fits one for the most eminent usefulness.
A single aim means undivided attention and interest. Concentrate your faculties on the particular work of each day, that later you may be able to give your undivided attention to your chosen employment. All great achievements have been won by those who have had a single aim. “Consider the postage stamp, my son; its usefulness consists in sticking to one thing, until it gets there.”-Josh Billings.
Concentrate your energies and be master of your work. The world crowns him who knows one thing and does it better than others.
I will. Always say, “I will” or “I’ll try,” when work or a duty is proposed, that can and ought to be done. Never say, “I can’t” or “I won’t”, except to resist a temptation to do wrong. While the “I can’ts” fail in everything, and the “I won’ts” oppose everything, the “I will’s” do the world’s work.
God has a plan for every life. He made you for use and for His own use. He gives power to those whom He uses. Let Him use you. Your happiness depends on the consciousness you are fulfilling your divinely appointed mission; and your success, on your will being in harmony with your work.
Only the tuned violin can make music; and only the life in harmony with God can “please him” or “win souls” to Him. Spiritual power is necessary for spiritual work.
Investments. Invest only where your investment will be under your own personal supervision, or that of a known and trusted friend. Invest only in those kinds of properties, the successful and profitable management of which, you best understand.
Investments in young stock and good real estate increase in value; but investments in rolling stock always decrease in value. Buy low from those who have to sell, and sell to those who want to buy.
Seek counsel only of those who are achieving success, and never trust a stranger.
Home. A home is one of the best investments for every one of moderate means. It provides a shelter for the individual and for the family, no matter what may happen. A regular income must be assured in order to retain a place to sleep in a rented house. The early desire to own a home makes steady employment a source of pleasure.
It is not what we eat, but what we digest, that makes us strong.
It is not what we read, but what we remember, that makes us learned.
It is not what we earn, but what we save, that makes us rich.
Home. A Christian home is a precious heritage. It is the divinely appointed educator of mankind. Its seclusion, shelter and culture are invaluable. There the mother whose hand rocks the cradle, moves the world, teaching the lessons of obedience, self-control, faith and trust. Use only a mellow and sweet tone of voice in the home. A kind and gentle voice is a pearl of great price that, like the cheery song of the lark, increases the joy and happiness of the home with passing years.
“The farmer’s trade is one of worth,
He is partner with the earth and sky;
He is partner with the sun and rain,
And no man loses by his gain.
And men may rise and men may fall;
The farmer, he must feed them all.”
“Man’s chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.”
Knowledge. “Other things may be seized by might or purchased with money; but knowledge is to be gained only by study.”-Johnson.
“He that studies only men, will get the body of knowledge, without the soul; and he that studies only books, the soul without the body. He that to what he sees adds observation, and to what he reads, reflection, is in the right road to knowledge, provided that in scrutinizing the hearts of others he neglects not his own.”-Cotton.
Cooperation. “All real progress of the individual, or of society, comes through the joining of hands and working together in a spirit of helpfulness for the common good.”
A brother in need is a brother indeed.
“Whoso hath this world’s goods and seeth his brother in need and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him?”
Never go security for any one who cannot give you a mortgage or whose word is not as good as his bond. “He that is surety for a stranger, shall smart for it; and he that hateth suretyship is sure.”
Eloquence. Eloquence is the expression of a moral conviction. It is overpowering when the moral conviction is tremendously felt. This was the secret of the eloquence of Lincoln, Beecher and Garrison, when they spoke of the wrong of slavery; and of John B. Gough, Neal Dow and Frances Willard, when they plead for an uprising against the curse of strong drink.
Marriage. Marriage is a divine ordinance, instituted by our Heavenly Father in the time of man’s innocency. It is not a sacrament, but a social institution, intended to promote the comfort and happiness of mankind, through the establishment of the family relationship, and a responsible home, where the children may be trained for the service of God and the work of their generation. The gospel hallows all the relations of life and sanctions the innocent enjoyment of all the good gifts of God. It purifies the hearts of those who walk in the way of obedience and induces the peace that passeth understanding.
“Life is real, life is earnest
And the grave is not its goal,
Dust thou art to dust returnest,
Was not written of the soul.
Let us then be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.”-Longfellow.
Robbers. Idleness, tardiness and “late nights,” are three bold bad robbers, that must be strenuously resisted and overcome. Be watchful or they may rob you of the best that is in you.
Spare Moments. It is better to be a busy silent reader in the home or school and learn something useful, than to be an idle, noisy talker, disturbing others and causing the loss or forfeiture of valuable privileges.
Have a book for spare moments in the home. Read only good books, the Bible and catechism first; then those on history, biography, travel, and progress in the arts and sciences, including one on your own occupation. Do not read worthless story books. They will rob you of your time, and the taste for the Bible and other good books. Time wasted in idleness or reading worthless books means bad companions, bad habits, and the loss of opportunity, energy and vitality. Learn to abhor idleness as nature does a vacuum.
Say No. Have the courage to say “no” to every solicitation to violate rule or known duty. “The companion of fools shall be destroyed.” “Though hand join in hand the guilty shall not go unpunished.” “This is Fabricius, the man whom it is more difficult to turn from his integrity, than the sun from his course.”-Pyrrhus.
Writing. Train the hand and inform the mind so you can write the English language,
“Plain to the eye and gracefully combined.”
“The pen engraves for every art and indites for every press. It is the preservative of language, the business man’s security, the poor boy’s patron and the ready servant of mind.”-Spencer.
Train: The hand to be graceful, steady, strong;
The Eye to be alert and observing;
The Memory to be accurate and retentive;
The Heart to be tender, true and sympathetic.
Promptness. Promptness takes the drudgery out of an occupation. The decision of a moment often determines the destiny of years. Every moment lost affords an opportunity for misfortune. Punctuality is the soul of business, the mother of confidence and credit. Only those, who keep their time, can be trusted to keep their word. Tardiness is a disappointment and an interruption; a kind of falsehood and theft of time.
Vices. The four great vices of this age are Sabbath-breaking, gambling, intemperance and licentiousness. These must be fought all the time, like the great plagues that attack the body, tuberculosis, leprosy and small pox. The gospel will save any one from all of them; and some day it will sweep them from the earth, as they are now kept from heaven.
“A Sabbath well spent
Brings a week of content,
And strength for the toils of the morrow;
But a Sabbath profaned,
Whatso’er may be gained,
Is a certain forerunner of sorrow.”
To be a leader is a praiseworthy ambition. A leader is one who wins the confidence of the people so that they are willing to follow. Our Lord Jesus gave the secret of leadership, when he said: “Whosoever would be first among you, shall be servant of all;” and again, “The Son of Man came not be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.”
America. America is a land of opportunity, where the poor boy secures a home and later may participate in the government. Most of those, who are managing the world’s work to day, were poor boys yesterday. If you are in the school of adversity today, do not be discouraged, “thank God and take courage;” for you are merely on the same level with those, who by their energy and thrift, are making sure of success tomorrow. When Lord Beaconsfield became a member of Parliament, and the other members did not care to listen to his youthful speeches, he said to himself, “I am not a slave nor a captive; and by energy I can overcome great obstacles. The time will come when you will hear me.”
Books. “The first time I read an excellent book,” said Goldsmith, “it is to me as if I had gained a new friend.” “Books are the pillars of progress, the inspiration of mankind. They exert a wonderful influence and a mighty power, though silent,” says John Knox in Ready Money, “in lifting up humanity and making progress possible.” They enable the reader to converge and associate with the noblest and best minds. In them we have the thoughts and deeds, the experience and inspiration of all the great ones of earth.
The Bible elements of a good character: their two-fold foundation, and bond-the Sabbath.
Good books, that breathe the best thoughts and experiences of others, are trusted friends that bring instruction, entertainment and contentment to the home. As companions and counselors they supply a real want that makes the home more than merely a place for food and raiment. “Writing makes an exact man, talking makes a ready man, but reading makes him a full man,”-that is a man of intelligence. A man is known by the books he reads and the company he keeps. Let some of the world’s best books find an inviting and permanent place in your home.
Books and voices make a glorious combination. No one can tell what good books and good voices may not do. The Word of God and the gospel of our Lord Jesus have come to us in the form of a book, and we call it by way of pre-eminence, “The Bible,” or Scriptures of the Old and New Testaments. Our attention has been directed to them by the living voice. Let your tongues proclaim the glad message of divine truth and redeeming love. The Holy Spirit will record the results in the Lamb’s Book of Life.
Read and preserve the books.
Wit And Humor
“Laugh, and grow fat.”
“A merry heart doeth good like a medicine.”
Aunt Dinah: “How long hab you dis set of dishes?”
Mother Hubbard: “Let me see; I’ve had ‘em-four girls and a half.”
Mike: “Do ye believe in the recall of judges, Pat?”
Pat: “That I do not. The last time I was up before his honor he sez: ‘I recall that face.-Sixty days.’ I’m agin the recall of judges.” Life.
Bishop: “Well, Mr. Jones, how do you like your preacher?”
Deacon Jones: “He’s de best I eber seed, to take de Bible apart; but he dun’ no how to put it to gedder agen.”
A Swede, that had not yet had time to learn our language was accused of throwing a stone through a plate glass window. When the lawyers failed to enable him to describe it’s size the judge asked:
“Was it as big as my fist?”
“It ben bigger,” the Swede replied.
“Was it as big as my two fists?”
“It ben bigger.”
“Was it as big as my head?”
“It ben about as long, but not so thick,” the Swede replied, amid the laughter of the court.
The German’s trouble with the English language.
Visitor: “Those are two fine dogs you have.”
Cobbler: “Yes und de funny part of it iss, dat de biggest dog is de leettlest one.”
Cobbler’s Wife: “You must mine husband egscuse; he shpeaks not very good English. He means de oldest dog is de youngest one.”
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